A Toy Story

You've heard of those toys. Furbies, right? Kind of weird, furry bird mechanical things that talked a lot? They were super popular in the '90's. Well, I used to love them. Funny thing is, none of my friends ever had any.

How sorry I am that they don't know how lucky they were.

See, I loved playing with these Furbies. They'd talk, weird bird nonsense phrases, mixed in with a little English. The more you talked to them, the more they'd talk back to you. They were cute. Eyes that shut and opened, mouths that shut and closed. Clicking and clacking all the way along your floor, they could even "walk" a bit, although it was more moving by motorized wheels. I was playing with them, having them talk to each other, because sometimes they'd interact with each other if you put one near another. But my mother walked into my room and told me that it was time for bed. Reluctantly, I picked the Furbies away and put them neatly in a line near the opposite wall. Then I tucked myself into bed and tried to sleep.
But later I heard something.
Something strange.
I was used to waking up in the middle of the night, to get a drink of water, to get an extra blanket, to go to the bathroom, or whatever. But this time when I woke up, I wasn't really thirsty or cold. Then I noticed a very quiet noise. A high-pitched keening and squeaking. I looked over, and saw a shadow of one of the Furbies moving. I figured I must have left that particular Furby on.
I only wish I'd remembered that Furbies were motion-sensing, and didn't turn "on" when nobody was awake in the room.
I turned over to go back to sleep, thinking I could put the sound out of my mind. And believe me, I tried. But the noise just kept getting a little louder every time I closed my eyes. What began as a simple, pathetic keening, soon crescendoed into a horrid cacophony of screeching, sounds that would remind anyone of a wild animal being disemboweled. Finally, unable to stand the sound anymore, I looked over at where the Furbies were. The offending Furby was three feet from the rest, jolting back and forward violently, as though it were having some Satanic seizure.

The very last thing I saw before ducking my head under the covers was the moonlight outside reflecting onto the Furby's glassy, cold, unseeing eyes, as its mechanical beak clicked open and shut, screeching a cry that would haunt my nightmares to this very day.

Later the next morning, I would discover that this phenomenon had all been due to the Furby's batteries dying down. Still, the noise was so great that my father personally removed all the batteries from all the Furbies by hand.

You will have read this 25 seperate times

My friends and I have compiled a plan to evade a zombie attack through facebook. If some sort of zombifying infection began to spread, we would refer to the facebook group and follow this plan.

1 WASH YOUR HANDS (best idea)

2 get to mlk buses with all food, firearms, and medical supplies

3 go to ned's neighborhood and have a gigantic sausage fest

4 fortify ned's/calvin's grandparent's house

5 we can use planes to escape quickly and avoid traffic jams if need be (BAD IDEA)

6 if we don't need to leave immediately, we hole up at ned's house (far away from most cadavers) (GOOD IDEA)

7 wait a while for people to clear out of roads

8 take mlk busses to the NORTH. we go up as far as we can, aim for vermont. They have major ports there where it would be easy to get a boat

9 find a nice island with a self-sustainable ecosystem, and live there forever

this is the exact plan that all 25 of us will follow

Plants vs Zombies

As unlikely as a zombie Apocalypse may be, it's still possible. Nevertheless, I can not afford to be eaten by a zombie, for Modern Warfare 3 comes out next week, and there is no way any zombie is going to stop me from playing it. Luckily for us, we humans have in possession the arch-nemesis of zombies, the plants. Thus, a defense strategy has been formulated so elaborate and ingenious that it will no doubt protect us from those despicable brain-eaters.

First off in the plan, it's essential to plant a good two rows of sunflowers, for they're are the foundations of any good defense. Although every plant undergoes photosynthesis, for some reason sunflowers are the only ones that generate sun energy, so they will be planted first. These courageous flowers will continually provide a steady supply of energy to fuel their comrades, all while maintaining a smile on their faces in even the gravest of hours.

Now that a reliable source of sunlight has been established, it's necessary to focus on offense. Anyone familiar with zombies know that peas to zombies are like kryptonite to superman; zombies really hate those green balls of doom. As such, it's in our best interest to invest the acquired sunlights on planting a couple rows of peashooters. Now with a hail of peas coming at them, those pesky zombies will think twice about attacking the backyard.

But as brave as our plants are, their feeble bodies can not withstand the relentless munching that will inevitably happen during a zombie invasion. But fear not, for a member of the nut family has come to our aide. Here is a being whom fears no zombies, an individual that towers above the rest, the Wall-nut. With this tough nut standing in front of the plants, no zombie will lay its teeth on our lovable plants.

Now that a basic parameter has been established, there are endless possibilities on what to do next. We could lit a tree trunk on fire and place in front of the peashooters so they would shoot flaming peas, or perhaps plant catapults that launch watermelons; zombies hate watermelons as much as peas. But whichever members of the plant family are employed, know that we will be in good hands.

The Dark

Yes, it is the classic "I'm afraid of the dark" fear again! But its true, the darkness is quite scary. When you mix it with dead silence, it makes it that much worse. I love to go camping because of the nature and hiking, but the sleeping alone in the woods part gives me the HEEBIE-JEEBIES!! That is just one example. It is not scary when I am with my friends or people that I know, but being alone somewhere dark, especially at night is so frightening. I feel scared because I cannot see a thing in my path and, therefore, I would never have the slightest clue if somebody or something were in the room with me. I can think to myself that obviously nothing is in my room at night when I flip off the lamp because the windows and doors are locked, but I always have the slightest bit of paranoia in the back of my mind. If I am with others, I know that I would not alone with the stranger if there were one, but when I am alone with a potential harmful thing, I cannot handle it. Also, scary movie, whether by myself or with others are HORRIBLE! After I see one, that is what I think of when I am alone and in the dark. It intensified my fear by a million. I am about to turn out my light right now, but I don't really want to after writing that blog about this fear. Goodnight.

SURVIVAL OF THE FITTEST

The key to survival is preparation and the ability to remain alert. If there was ever an outbreak of a suspicious disease or a hint of zombies, then I would start stocking up in my maximum security containment area (MSCA). I would construct this facility by digging a large hole in the ground, but the main area would be six feet below the surface to insure that zombies could not dig into the shelter. One way in means there is one way out. The entrance would be barricaded by a metal door armed with explosives. The explosives are to be detonated by the zombies' stench. In the MSCA, I would store all things necessary to sustain my life for an extensive period of time. The basic list includes:
canned foods
bottled water
waste disposal container
blankets
clothing
heating/cooling source
toothpaste
socks
possible anecdotes for the zombie outbreak
movies
flashlights
weapons
One should always be on their toes during a zombie crisis. The person killed first in the movies is always intoxicated or unnaturally curious. If there was ever a Zombie attack, I would avoid intoxicating substances at ALL costs; I would never let my guard down. The main goal would to never leave my MSCA, but if I had to I would keep a lookout in all directions. I would NEVER leave the MSCA to investigate strange sounds.
To prepare for the unspeakable, I would obtain an array of lethal weapons. I would need at the least twenty grenades, a flame thrower, sniper rifle, ray gun, shot gun and automatic machine gun. The ray gun is the most effective of these weapons.
I have prepared a list of rules to increase survival rates:
1) DO NOT get closer than arm's length to zombies
2) Never leave the MSCA without a buddy, two weapons, flashlight and sufficient ammo
3) do not indulge in alcohol or drugs
4) NEVER attract attention to one's self
5) remain calm and check peers for infection daily
6) do NOT investigate mysterious sounds

Assignment 11: BOO

ZOMBIES HAVE ATTACKED. Detail your survival plan.
(This prompt comes from blog 6. Thank you, Ned Katz and Bram Dutch)

OR

Explain what scares you the most and why.

OR

Describe a moment in which you were fraught with peril. Tell it as a ghost story.

Happy Halloween!

Minimum of 150 words - due Sunday, November 6 at 11:59 pm

Environmental Protection Agency=Genocide of Jobs

The Environmental Protection Agency has long been an enemy of mine. It should really be named the Genocide of Jobs because that's all it is. I applaud any attempt to abase that terrible, lifeless institution that sucks the life out of our businesses. Just let me quote the scholarly Michele Bachmann. "And I would begin with the EPA, because there is no other agency like the EPA. It should really be renamed the job-killing organization of America." And then there is the erudite Tim Pawlenty who says, The Environmental Protection Agency— is now regulating carbon emissions. A policy rejected by Congress — but putting millions of jobs at risk.… We don’t need the unelected officials at EPA—to do what our elected officials in Congress have rejected. We need less EPA monitoring of our economy. And more monitoring of EPA’s affects on our freedom. I will require sunsetting of all federal regulations. Unless specifically sustained by a vote of Congress. ”

That's Right. Who needs government regulations anyway. Who needs clean water and uncontaminated food? Those terrible people as the EPA. All they want to do is restrict my freedom. As far as I am concerned they are limiting my freedom to breath toxic air. How can they decide what best for the entire country. The only thing they stand for it taking a gun to the American economy and then strangling it with Garrote wire. Who needs to regulate toxins? Its not like they can kill you. I am not acquainted with the methods of nuclear engineering, but I am pretty sure that no harm can come from dumping nuclear waste into the nearby river. I am just so confused as to why we even need regulations on anything. I am not really sure what the definition of environment is, but I am sure that unlimited dissemination of nuclear waste and airborne toxins would actually have therapeutic effects on the public as a whole. So lets take down that horrible agency. Together we can bring a better tomorrow.

Laws are more like guidelines

If a world of only teenagers existed it would be cool to do the right thing. More people would go the speed limit and brag to their friends about how safe their car is. Then when they never got a speeding ticket they would put it on their resume for college. If a world of only teenagers existed people would pass money around to their more bodacious colleagues to buy them sprite, and then they would proceed to all go to someone's house and all get sugar rushed. And after that crazy night was over they would brag to their friends about how they treated their girlfriend with the utmost respect. They would then leave their friends house and go spend their parents money responsibly and do their homework that very saturday night. Following all this civilness they would come to school and be happy that its monday. Oh I forgot sunday on that Sunday we could all pray that what just proceeded was actually possible.

Observations of the Nacireman Religion and it's effects on Nacireman Society

Found primarily in the North American region, the Nacirema tribe is rumored to have originated from somewhere in the plains of Africa, yet migrated quite some ways to end up where they are today.

         The Nacirema society supports a large variety of specific belief systems and variations, but almost all Naciremans in some shape or form follow the cultural religion of Emaf. This religion is so popular because their gods walk among them and are seen day to day. These demigods are the focus of an overwhelming majority of the public conscious, with their worshippers spread far and wide throughout different subgroups and regions of Nacireman tribes.

         Usually confined to the Nacireman Olympus, these demigods go about their activities while constantly being observed by their subjects. Godseekers go out to track their deity’s actions and relay them to the people. This information is carried out through priests and priestesses who hold services to update the masses on the latest doings of the demigods. These priests spread both the actions of the gods and legends, secrets that the demigods keep from the populace in order to protect their nature.

         Occasionally a demigod will speak to an oracle, and give their words to man directly. This is an opportunity the Nacirema have to learn from and question their deities in person, in order to learn about their official doings or hear their proclamations. Usually these oracle sessions relate to a recent or upcoming Testament by these gods. Gods of sound, light, strength and knowledge will work on Testamanets to be spread across the Nacirema. The more popular a god’s testament it, the higher in status among their fellow Olympians they will be.

         This popularity and status of a demigod is decided in a Festival of the Gods. These festivals are held annually, and there are many. Different festivals for sound gods, light gods, etc. happen around the year. In these festivals, the gods testaments are pitted against each other, and the Nacirema decide upon the superior testaments. When a testament is chosen among the others, the god who made that testament will receive a golden endowment that they then display as a sign of authority.

         With such a large focus placed on these gods, many Naciremans seem to be much more knowledgable about their religious matters than those of politics or economies. This has resulted in an increased number of Naciremans who choose not to participate in matters of the state.

Wake N' Tweet

Beep! Beep! Beep! Dang its already 9! I better tweet about it because everyone wants to know how much I hate waking up on the weekends and just want to sleep more like everyone else, "I hate not sleeping in!!!! #nofun #itstheweekend." Time to take a shower before my school community service, tweet again "Shower! #love #warm." Gotta choose my outfit better tweet a picture of my two favs with "Which one?!?! #cutefactor" Now that I'm dressed I can eat my organic breakfast and tweet how new age I am and how I eat the best food "These organic eggs and my soy milk are great #delicious." Time to go to my stupid community service for school, and my mom has to drive me! I'm gonna tweet twice within two minutes so that everyone knows! "I HATE COMMUNITY SERVICE #GETMEOUTOFHERE" and "Can't wait to drive #fivemonthssevendaysthreehoursfiveminutes37seconds." Five hours and 356 tweets later... I wonder why people keep unfollowing me? I'll ask everyone to see why,"Why am I losing followers #nofun #sad." Oh well I still have 15 more followers than I follow and I have at least 3,000 more tweets than everyone else, so that means everyone likes me and I'm gonna tweet about how twitter is awesome and facebook sucks now! "Twitter>Facebook #teamtwitter"

Here's to the Weekend!

Is your social calendar full? Do you have a lot planned for this weekend between a social life and homework? Well here is a list of exactly what you should do:

1) Tell all of your friends you are doing one thing and then at the last minute change your mind and do something else. The key to this is to wait until the absolute last possible moment when everyone becomes irritated at you for changing plans so often. THen of course change your mind again and return to the original plan.

2) When asked "what are you doing this weekend?" by people there is no way you want to be seen in public with respond with "I'm busy". This response is a perfectly exceptable way to tell that person that "I'm too good to be seen in public with you and I do not want to hang out with you even if I'm not at all busy."

3) Make a HUGE deal about keeping the plans for the weekend a secret, let them slip, and then through a HUGE fit when everyone knows about what you told them. Don't forget to then blame someone else and consequently un-invite them.

4) The last step is to not do your homework until 9 o'clock on Sunday evening and that is when you will even look at it for the first time. DOn't try to do a little everyday or even ahead of time just wait to cram. But don't forget to compain to everyone about all the homework you have and blame the teachers for being "awful people" for assigning homework to do over a three night period.

With these guidlines I hope you have a wonderful weekend!

A Dissertation on My Consummation and Superb Lexis

Many people have asked me how I came to such success in my life. Because with my four Nobel Prizes and countless other awards hanging on my constantly-dusted walls, who wouldn't want to be me? Whenever I'm asked this question, I consider what everyone who is a success does. And after careful thought and examination, I came up with one all-encompassing strategy: good vocabulary; or, as the more educated might call it, reginalistics.

You may think this is ludacris. How can one person's personality be changed by changing your vocabulary? Well, observe the following conversation.

Student #1: Oh gee whiz, I got a 91 on my test!

Student #2: How pluperfect of you!

Student #1: (I don't know what that words means, but it sure does sound good.) Gee thanks!

Student #2: (What a nincompoop. That was supposed to be an insult.) No problem!

See how good and fulfilling that would make one feel? Using a word that no one has ever heard before does wonders for one's ego! Just imagine what it would do for your social status!

It doesn't even matter if the word fits in the context (as you can see in the word pluperfect); in fact, it doesn't even have to be a real word (such as reginalistics; bless those who were trying to figure that word out). Statistics say that nearly 58% of people will not look up a word used in conversation with them. Those are some teewisting numbers!

See how self-important it makes the person feel in this example:

Person #1: What did you think of the movie? I found it rather gardimatic.

Person #2: (Oh no, I wonder what gardimatic means? Let's see....how should I respond?) Yes, I thought so too?
Person #1: And my mother said that the acting was so uniformacious, but which part says that to you?

Person #2: (Oh no, specific example! Oh here goes..) When she finds her true love.

Person #1: (Haha he must not know what uniformacious means. What a lost soul. Oh well.) Yeah, me too. See you later! (What an uneducated man!)
How write the number two is to say that! People without refined vocabularies simply don't have enough lumifinessence to see through their durwess. In fact, if someone doesn't have a good vocabulary, don't you think they ought to be kurvized by their society! Flube? Or asbena?

Turkinsteened in a periodical in the propitious year of 2011.

With respects to the aid of others regarding work in the class of Physics

*Disclaimer: This was not meant to insult you either implicitly or explicitly; it was simply a good blog idea - I am indifferent on helping you with your Physics web homework.

Thank you.

I can tell when the month is about to end just by counting how many people ask me for help on their web homework. Every Sunday, whenever the work is due, you all greet me with hundreds of questions such as, “How do you do number twelve?” or “I don’t get this homework. Can you teach it to me?” And I oblige you. For several hours of a Sunday, I dedicate my time to aid you in your work. I even post how one would go about solving said problems, in intricate detail so that you may learn. Sure, you probably should know how to do these, but I understand that you had more important things to do than listen to the physics teachers.

So, thank you. Thank you for requesting aid from me and giving nothing in return. I appreciate your thanks; it makes up for the hours I spend doing the work for the third and fourth time for the sole purpose of helping you. I know that you need to get a better grade in Physics, and I know that you deserve a great score on something that you didn’t have time to learn in class. It makes me happy that you'll get a better grade than me on the work, since I had to do it without anyone's help. Thank you for asking me personally to do a problem for you. It lets me train my typing skills whenever I tell you that I can’t help you on the problem, and to re-read my explanation of it. Thank you for waiting until 12:05 to start asking for help – I don’t need to sleep or work on other homework, anyways.

Thank you, again, for questioning the validity of my explanations that I’ve checked and re-checked time and time again, because you probably didn’t make a simple calculation error, while I probably messed up somewhere, even though I got the right answer on my first try. I also appreciate whenever you ask for questions that I’ve already posted; it warms my heart whenever I direct you to a post a few pages down, because I know that you are too busy to read and scroll down for a few seconds.

I realize that I may seem approving right now, but this is truly what I feel. I have no disagreement with all of you using the page, intended to help people on the harder ones, to ask for every single problem, even if you could solve it if you spent some of your precious time on such an unimportant task.

So, when I say “thank you”, I mean it.

The Gospel of Hate

Brothers, Sisters, we come together on a most unfortunate day. Today, we lay to rest a man among men, a true saint ( if you will excuse the expression). Brother Mike grew up here Podunk, Kentucky and as such we will inter at his family cemetery just up the holler from this here 1st United Only True Christians Church. Brother Mike was resolute in his faith during these troubled times, and we can all stand to learn something from his life. My personal favorite memory of Mike was this time we went across the river to Hogs Creeks. I know, I know but we was young and had to indulge in some recklessness of our own. So we was in town, talking some of the young lady folk and all of a sudden Mike gets a whiff of something. He pulls me away from the girls and points across the road to this little building. Guess what was In'er? A Catholic church. Let me tell ya, the spirit of the Lord shot into Mike and before I even had time to think, he was settin fire to that den of iniquity. I have never been more proud to next such a devout follower of the Lord in all my days.

But as you all know, Brother Mike wouldn't want this procession to be solely about him. No, he want us to take this opportunity to preach to any sinners in the congregation and scare them into submission. Turn with me to 7th Judges, verse 247. Here the Lord is said to have told somebody to say," Persecute all those different from you, be they Muslims, Jews, Catholics, and sometimes Methodists. If you do this you will gain the 10 by 15 room that composes Heaven, meant only for the members of the 1st United Only True Christian Church." . I would like all of you to keep that verse in mind on the 17th of this month we go to church the Depews up the holler opposite this other holler. They have had the misfortune of having a son marry a Jewish girl and then did nothing about it . May God have mercy on their souls.

As this day turns to rain, remember that Sister Kathy is selling her Nathan Bedford Forrest coasters and of course the churching of the Depews on the 17th. There will be pie in the kitchen afterwards. Now please join me in singing " Burn, Burn in Hell", page 207 in your Hymnal.

I will continue blogging until I feel better.

My life sucks. My boyfriend broke up with me. I looked at his Facebook and found out he’s cheating on me with another girl from his photos. I mean she’s not even that pretty. If she was pretty, I would understand, but she’s not. I am so mad. How could he do this to me? My life is ending. He was everything to me. My life is nothing without him. I think I want him back. Now, he’s being a jerk. I can’t stand this. I’m ending it. My life sucks.

I will continue blogging about this until all of my friends understand me. I will post my complaints about my life on Facebook and Twitter just so everyone understands how much my life sucks. I have so much homework, but I never have enough time to do it. It’s probably because I’m constantly checking my Facebook and Twitter to see if the world cares about my problems. My issues are far superior to everybody else’s problems. I will tweet every three minutes because people are so interested in my life that they need to know what I’m doing every time I do something. I need to reach 1,000 tweets and get 500 followers; otherwise I won’t be popular enough. You know what I just realized? I haven’t talked to my best friends in months. I wonder why? I tried texting them the other day. I didn’t get a response. They must hate me. Now let me go tweet about it.

I got a call the other day from one of my friends. She told me that I had changed. I let social networking and technology control my life. She told me that we couldn’t be friends anymore because she couldn’t talk to me like we used to. She said I was self-centered and I was incapable of thinking of other people and trying to improve problems that are bigger than my complaints. She told me I was making myself look like a bipolar idiot. She told me to say something positive or don’t say anything at all. Let’s just say that after that, we aren’t friends. So I went to tweet and post about my friendless life. Gosh. My life sucks.

yayyyyy government!!! :)

I love the government. You know what they say: the bigger the better! There has been so much progress in growing our government. In 1946, there were 63 separate departments in the U.S. government. In 2008 there were 709! Wow, I could never have thought the government could grow to such a massive and controlling size! We now have so many useful and important departments such as the: Administration for Children, Youth, and Families; Administration for Native Americans; Bureau for Primary Health Care; Commission on Civil Rights; Equal Employment Opportunity Commission; EXECUTIVE Office of Weed and Seed; Head Start Bureau; Office of Child Support Enforcement; Office of Women's Business Ownership; still with 700 to go!

Government is making everything better despite the fact that this country was founded on individual prosperity, self reliance, free enterprise, and individual initiative. The government is of the people, by the people and for the people. That doesn't mean to protect the people and their ability to pursue success; it means take money from people who really earned it and give it to those who don't have as much without any consent whatsoever. That's the way my government works. Being rich is no fair. I believe in fairness. If you're right handed, that's no fair either. Because of the dominance of your right hand, you should cut off two fingers and put them on your left hand to even it out. Every tree, rock, and animal on the endangered species list has a soul just like that of a human. Kids have no business praying in school. Why would you pray to the one who created you and everything around you? Why would you keep traditions established since the beginning of this country? They shouldn't pray in school, especially during moments of silence because silence triggers thinking. Kids shouldn't even be in school, really. At least not in anything that could properly called school, where children learn to read and count and don't get shot at recess. Well, without playground gunshot injuries, there may not be a sufficient amount of public out-cry for nationalized medicine. Therefore, I don't believe in school vouchers.

Representing over 18 million trustworthy and dedicated employees all earning more than their civilian counterparts with better medical insurance and retirement, the government is big, is getting bigger, and is super awesome.

We really are unique

Hey, my name is Jacob "no hands" Simpson. I am an 11th grader at Henry Clay high school and am a member of the JROTC, young democrats, and go green club. I enjoy all of these little clubs because it gives me tons of people exactly like me to be around who I can complain with about how no one understands us. JROTC is super great, because I can really tell that i'm making a difference despite not really doing anything and that i'll grow up to be important even though war is bad.

My middle name is just something I got called one time so I thought to myself, "hey thats cool! I should let everyone see how cool my name is." Its also super unique. In fact, all the hundreds of people just like me who do this are also unique. While we are, have been, and will continue to talk about me because my problems are more important than everyone else's, I think the mainstream appearance is lame man. Me and thousands of other people like to show how unique we are by wearing black or neon colored skinny jeans, along with ragged tee-shirts from off name brands, and if we are feeling particularly rebellious, a hat.

One of my other favorite things to do is complain. Rich kids always pick on me, smart kids always pick on me, blacks, whites, hispanics, and asians pick on me too, every other demographic and social class in the whole school seems to dislike the 50% of the school me and my group make up, but despite being a very large group of people, we can't actually stick up for ourselves. And i'm sure they all dislike us because they hate people who are different from them and i'm sure it has nothing to do with how we act, those biggots.

My parents are smart, otherwise I wouldn't be in the academy. They are not that successful, but neither are we poor. Despite this, I really hate rich people and republicans, its so selfish that they don't give all of their hard earned money to people who have not earned it. I like to highlight how much this bothers me by acting entitled for help and pretending to help less fortunate people by joining B.S. clubs that don't do anything. The only real reason I am a liberal is because that seems to be the bandwagon thing right now, so if I want to be unique I should do it. I also dress and act like I live in a trailer, despite my parents probably being respectable people and thinking i'm a complete failure.

At the end of the day, me and all my clon...freinds who are exactly like me are the only "real" people in society and anyone who is not in our group is a conformer. They should be a better c- word, like communist.

Success is easy

Succeeding in school may seem hard to some people but, in fact, it is actually quite simple. There are a few key things that students can learn to become super successful in school without actually working or thinking like those adults always want you to do. Adhere to some simple principles and your worries with schoolwork will end.
One of the biggest rules that will help ease the workload: always procrastinate. It does wonders and gives you more free time earlier in the day or week. If you do the homework or project at the last second then you will be more focused, and there will most likely be people done with the assignment that you can ask for help and answers on. If given a long term assignment, don’t worry about it! Wait until the last week to worry. After all who wants to be stressed out for such a long period of time?
The second rule of equal importance: use your resources. Now I’m not talking about using textbooks or online sources. I’m talking about your friends! Remember if you don’t know how to do something, stop thinking. Post statuses on facebook about how you’re struggling and you need help. That way, when people log on, they will see your status and will be inclined to answer said problem. If no one answers, chat with them. If your friends are not online, text them. The key to this rule is to never give up and always keep asking your friends.
What if you still can’t get the work done on the day it’s due? Well then it’s simple. Copy off somebody! Nothing is less obvious than when every single idea (and also mistakes) is the same as the person sitting next to you. What you’ll need to practice is how to look without anyone noticing. This may include distracting the other person, yawning, or tilting your head like you are stretching your neck. Remember, this not only works for homework, but also quizzes and tests.
It’s as easy as making friends with smart people. Then all you have to do is ask them when you need to see some work. If they say no just make them feel bad and inadequate. If you use all these tips then it is guaranteed you will see your grade jump up a notch. Remember that game that you couldn’t watch or that movie that you wanted to see? Well now you can! It’s the perfect equation for success.

Its Cool Guy!

Of all the things that I love in the world, being the coolest kid in school is my specialty. It’s actually pretty easy to do as well. Just follow these steps and you will be everyone’s best friend in no time.

1. First, never be yourself. Nobody wants to talk to someone who is genuine. What a bore! The best way to do this is to put on a persona; you know, like that cool guy on Jersey Shore or something. Act like this all the time and you can be the most interesting man in the world. Nobody could resist listening to you talk about your true life experiences of doing drugs and being a man-whore.

2. Next, find a kid in school that looks down on his luck. You are going to want to be a total d-bag to him. Sounds hard, but it’s not. Just go up to him and say things like “nice glasses nerd”, or “like the shirt, loser!” But make sure you are around all of the popular kids when this is done. When you do this, they will all think that you are so “totes awes” and will immediately invite you to every party-ever. It is a win-win situation.

3. Lastly, wear short-sleeved shirts, under long-sleeved shirts, under short-sleeved shirts. This is crucial. If you’re going to act like a cool person, you need to dress like an ass. You know what they say, dress for success or prepare for failure. I find this to be one of the most effective tactics to get yourself noticed as a really cool guy.

Remember that all of these things are guaranteed to make you well known as the coolest kid in school. I did all of these things, so you should too! That or you could just be a good person and stop acting like the world revolves around you.

Time to Catch Up on Everything I've Missed Online

Reading up on all the new celebrity gossip on Perez Hilton.. I haven't looked since this morning. I'm dying! Woah! Look at the ad for that pretty kitty! It's precious. I want one. Wait, no I need to do my homework... Ah! I have a Facebook notification. Someone liked my picture... I'm going to stalk her. Ew, why would she ever like wear her hair like that. I'm going to vomit. Her boyfriend is attractive.. Why would he date her. My boyfriend isn't even that cute. Something is wrong with this picture. I'm confused. Someone tweeted me! No I don't want to go to dinner with you tomorrow. There is no way I will be seen in public with you. I'm getting real hungz hungz looking at ano you're facebook pictures are. I need friends... Oh brother, it's already 2.. do I even waste my time on homework when we all know I probably won't even go to college. No.. I'll just turn in a homework pass! Goodnight facebook, twitter, and all internet websites. I love you, and my entire day tomorrow will revolve around you just like today!

I Am A Girl

Hi. I am a girl, and I like hanging out with my friends, meeting cute boys, and going to parties. If you aren’t my friend, you’re totally missing out. My social life IS my life; I’m pretty sure I would kill myself if I didn’t have any friends. Or if I was ugly.

But there are some things you seriously need to know if you want to hang out with me:

1. If you try to institute some decent moral reasoning, I will repeatedly roll my eyes, cross my arms, and jut out my hip in a provocative fashion so I become impermeable to your words.

2. And yes, I know when I told you who I liked, that you would undoubtedly tell your best friend who always tells everyone about everything. But I’m still not going to talk to you for two months. Oh, and I’m still going to badmouth you for the next eight. But then we’ll be closer than ever. So you think, anyway.

3. But when I let slip who you liked, it seriously wasn’t my problem. It’s not like you could blame on my anyway, because I’ve been denying it since the moment it happened, and ended up blaming it on the girl that you’ve held a continuous grudge over for two years.

4. When I try to formulate an argument, I like, inject, like, some unnecessary words to like, buffer my premise because, like, I really don’t know what I’m talking about. You know?

5. I will use my PMS as an excuse to make your life miserable. But if you are ever annoyed, brusque, impudent, or any way rude, I’ll tell everyone you’re a b---.

6. If you’re a guy, I will make a scene about you looking at my chest even though I douse myself with glitter and perfume in that general region and wear particular outfits and mechanisms to enhance these features. It’s not as if you know what you’re looking at anyway. It could be 95% padding, or I’m naturally voluptuous but I’m incredibly self-conscious about it. Either way, you are going to offend me.

7. I will always deny my utter beauty and extravagance, but you must insist upon it every single day.

8. I have intense, uncontrollable hormonal fluctuations that may result in:
a. A fit of passion
b. An angry outburst
c. Uncontrollable sobbing
d. Inconsolable sadness
e. Unexpected hyperactivity
f. And/or depression

9. You must always accompany me to the bathroom because I am too scared to go myself, and I could become terribly lonely in that amount of time.

10. But all of these things are probably not worth your while, because you’re not good enough for me anyway.

"I'm really offended by that"

Once upon a time there was a perfectly normal straight white American christian man with a family and a job and a nice big house. He lived in a little town with little neighborhoods full of little people just like him. One day, he decided to power up the television to see what was on.

First, he flipped over to the news to see what was happening. First, he saw a story about people protesting against big business, but he didn't like that story very much because he worked very hard and didn't think it was fair to the other big businessmen like himself; he had worked hard to get the money for his house and gone to a nice college which his rich parents had paid for. Next, he saw a story about people protesting for gay rights and abortion, but he didn't like that story very much either because he knew that it was wrong to support those things (that's what he'd heard the bible said at least). Finally, he saw a story about people celebrating the US pulling out of Iraq but he felt that this was very unpatriotic. At this point he was so disgusted with the news that he called the news station to tell them that they were covering news that he didn't agree with. He then changed the channel.

He wanted some comic relief from the disturbing news stories he had just heard, so he decided to watch some stand up comedy. The first comedian went off on a rant about how white people treated black people unfairly. It made the man laugh, but he felt that it wasn't accurate; he'd never met a black man in his little town, but he'd never been mean to one either. The second comedian had a great act, but it was full of curse words that the man didn't think were all that funny; he didn't want his kids learning the f-word. The third comedian just talked about religion and really beat down on Christianity in particular; but the man had just about had it. He was so angry that he called the producers of the show to tell them that their comedians were just plain mean.

When asked why he thought this, the man thought long and hard over the past half hour of his life from the news cast to the stand up show. Finally he responded, "I am offended."

At these three words, and, in fact, because of them, the very heavens opened up with a deafening roar. The ground shook and locusts began to cloud the cities. Every thing suddenly caught fire and the oceans boiled. Many people turned into zombies and countless others lost their vision. All of the worlds food changed into salt. Buildings collapsed, and babies cried. The ice caps melted, and the deserts froze. Michael Jackson came back to life and died again causing absurdly over played grief just like the last time. Instead of the long awaited iPhone 5, the iPhone 4sSS came out instead. The theory of relativity was proved to be wrong, and light began to move at a more leisurely pace. NPR was bought out by MTV and began to broadcast an audio version of Jersey Shore. Rebecca Black came out with her new single "Saturday." Then everybody got HIV, seemingly from nowhere, and died, and it was all because that one man was vaguely offended by stuff he disagreed with on the idiot box.

The moral of the story is that you should never offend anybody even if you think you have the right to express your opinion. Don't even think of complaining about something that isn't fair, or asking for something that you don't have; don't criticize war; don't ever complain about prejudice, don't express your anger through insulting words (especially on television); and do not challenge any ancient practices or beliefs no matter how stupid and hypocritical you think they are. If you wan't to change the world, remember that offending anybody, especially a perfectly normal straight white American christian man with a family and a job and a nice big house, is probably going to destroy the universe because their views are most certainly, and without a doubt, more perfect than yours will ever be.

1%ers Rule!

Dear poor people,

Many poor people have been griping that the 1%ers net income has grown by 240% in the past 3 years. well guess whose fault that is? Yours. the only reason us 1%ers have such a jump in pay increase is because we work 240% harder than you do.

in fact we have created a whole new week with extra hours in which we can be even more industrious than you peasants. if only you all had hopped on to this new week and band-wagonned yourself to riches, if only. But alas, you were too caught up in your own world of protesting us, and so we are here today to tell you that it is al your fault. we deserve everything we have and the system should never be changed, everything is fair for us, and if its not fair for you well then too bad, change it.

life goes on, but some lives are just better than others, a.k.a. the better, more righteous, and harder working people in the world.

Sincerely,

The best people on the planet (the 1%ers)

The NNFL (New NFL)

Welcome to the NNFL, we are striving to make the NFL a safer and more enjoyable experience for our future players. We want players to change the way they think about tackling and make it more of an art.

When you think of tackling, you think of hurling yourself at a player with no intent but to completely stop that player in their tracks. It is the ultimate test of one on one strength and becomes the basis for a football game. The offense tries to break tackles while the defense works to perfect it. Well here at the NNFL were looking to change all that. Why you may ask, do we attempt to change the most fundamental aspect of a football game? Thats easy, to protect the players brains. The same brains that chose to play the sport that they love.

The best way we felt we could accomplish this is to fine them about .01% of their salary. This way we become annoying to them but not to the point that they want to protest too much. We are also having our refs call twice as many penalties in order to enforce our new ideas. This may cause the game to last twice as long and completely break up a teams rhythm, but thats okay because the players will be safer.

Finally in order to facilitate this change we are starting with our young players who are just learning the sport. We want to change the future of the sport. Here are some examples of how we are teaching our new players to tackle:

1) Slow down as you approach the player. Even though you've been sprinting right beforehand you have to slow yourself down as to not hurt the other player.

2)Whatever you do, don't use your helmet. This weapon on top of your head may have been invented so that you could tackle more efficiently but its too dangerous for the offense. So were just going to penalize everyone who even thinks about using it in the game.

3)Don't even think about hitting them around the head. Especially quarter-backs, since we want them to continue to dominate the league we can't have a defensive player hit him too hard. It might hurt his pride too much.

With all these steps in place, we hope to make the NNFL a better place in the future, for everyone except defense. Who needs them anyway.

An awesome town

Just a week ago, I was in a relatively large town called Current Generation! It is a really cool place where people just simply do not care about their future. I had never heard about this place before I read about it on the Internet and saw commercials for how amazing the town was. There were schools and workplaces in the town, but barely anyone used them, and the ones who did, did not even do the work that they were given. People were not trying to get jobs, but rather were trying to get more welfare. It was awesome! Nobody wanted to do any kind of work and nobody cared about their or the country's future. I could not believe my eyes when I got there. I saw people watching television, checking the Internet, playing video games, and even more unproductive tasks. I interviewed one of the 17 year olds.

Me: Do you plan on attending college to help get a job in the future.

Him: *Watching television* I do not really care about college, it sounds too hard, I just want to party and my plan for the future is to get welfare and let others help the world's problems. It'll work just fine.

Me: Aren't you worried that your body will be extremely unhealthy if you drink alcohol, do not exercise, and do not do any intellectual activities?

Him: What does "intellectual" mean?

After the interview, I was completely amazed of the fact that these people did not have a worry in the world and did not care about their future. It was really sweet! That is where I am moving tomorrow.