Eater's Guide to the Perfect Dining Experience

While we all enjoy a nice time going out to eat, nothing makes the evening better than excellent service. Now, how do you ensure your food is cooked top notch and made to your tastes exactly? Well, as a person well versed in the restaurateur field, there are a few things I have learned over these past few years.

It's simple; there are a few steps to guaranteeing yourself the ultimate dining experience.

1. Always arrive fashionably late. When the place closes at 10 PM, make sure you get there around 9:45 or so. Nothing pleases the employees more than to see smiling faces late at night before closing time.

2. Order water and take your time (remember you're fashionably late, which means you should also stylishly read every item on the menu a few times to make sure you didn't miss anything)

3. Tell your waiter/waitress that there's something wrong with your food, whether it's under cooked or doesn't taste right. Remember, the most fun thing about most restaurants is that the customer is always right. In fact, have your fun with the server!

4. Now, once you have your food, tell your server it's too salty, or bland. Or even better, change your order while they're cooking your first choice to make sure the restaurant is working hard and doesn't go out of practice. The server is always pleased to tell the chef to make another order from scratch. This will ensure you get a "special treatment" from the kitchen staff.

5. Nothing is more pleasing than sending back your order. Referring back to step 3, the customer is always right. Sometimes, if you're lucky you may get a free meal by pointing out somehow that the server made a mistake. Kudos if you can pull step 5 off.

6. Ah, now for dessert, the sinful delight of the meal. It is what one remembers the most after eating. As such, you should make it as big a deal as possible. Tell the server what you want, and tweak the menu a little, saying how you don;t want chocolate sauce here, or avoid nuts because you'll swell up like a balloon (OK, allergies are fine). The server will be happy to fit your accommodations.

7. Now, for the best part; paying tip. If you're a master of eating out at restaurants, your bill should be small, and your stomach full if you have achieved the previous steps. Now, make sure you leave a classy tip. 5% should do.

8. Once your eating experience is over, reflect on the meal. You should never return to this place, as the wonderful memories would be covered by another meal here. Find your next destination and repeat steps 1-7.

Now, you should have enjoyed a nice time out with some good company. Given that your meal was spit-free or lacks hair, your role as the perfect customer should be filled.

Happy dining!