How To Pour a Glass of Milk

First, you must ensure there is, in fact, milk in the house. If not, you have to drive to the store, locate the milk, purchase the milk (which I strongly recommend), and return home. I would also advise you to wear a seatbelt. I mean, you’re going to get yourself killed otherwise. And your expedition to the store would have been absolutely pointless.

Once you are comfortably situated in your own house or other abode, you must gather the necessary apparatus: one cup and your milk. It is also wise that your milk meets certain criteria. For one, I encourage you to check the expiration date on your milk. If not, you always stand the risk of getting a mouthful of curd. And trust me, you do not want that. This leads me to my next suggestion.

Do not chug your milk. For if this milk had already been present in your home for some time, and its seal had ever been broken, it might taste like last week’s spaghetti or that roast beef or that halved onion your neighbor left in your fridge. When cold milk comes into contact with warmer air, the air condenses and its capacity to retain moisture and odor diminishes. This inhibits the air from retaining the bond it was carrying, and results in the depositing of these components on the surface of the milk. As a result, the stench is absorbed and held inside of the milk. Now it is contaminated. Dispose of the milk immediately.

Now that you have inspected your milk, and you have obtained a vessel in which to pour your milk, it is now time to break the plastic seal around the rim of the jug or pop open the mouth of the carton or twist off the top. Either way, for safety measures, there should still be an obstacle between you and your milk. If not, your milk is a little sketchy. Get new milk.

The milk carton is probably the most challenging of “milk medium”. You must conquer its paper spout. Eight times out of ten, you are going to tear the spout. Then you must proceed to hack at it with scissors until it opens. In the case of the gallon jug, you must handle its plastic rim with much care. Tear too fast and you will rip off the tab. Tear too slow and you will rip off the tab. Regardless of your technique in removing the rim, if the plastic was poorly formed, you will rip off the tab. Therefore your best bet in removing it is with an X-ACTO knife. Or I suppose you could gnaw at it with your teeth for a while. The milk in the standard jug you can find at your local convenience store is easily accessible, but there is a greater chance that someone could have spiked it.

Observe your cup. Is there any crud on the inside of it? Is there any grime or soap residue? If so, you do not want to pour your milk in there. It will end up tasting like crud or filth or soap. Many discover this after pouring their milk and observe bits of food matter floating around or an odd taste. Your milk is now contaminated and you must start over.
We have now reached the pinnacle of difficulty in obtaining your milk--- pouring it. Unscrew the cap (if you have not done so already). This is the point in which your milk is most vulnerable. You could always end up dropping the milk, spilling it. You could always knock into your cup, potentially breaking it, and spilling your milk. You could also put the milk back into your fridge without the cap on and exposing it to all the contaminants within your fridge. Always mind the cap.

Hold a firm stance of the ground. If your milk container of choice is a jug, grip its handle with one hand, and steady your cup with the other. If your milk is in a jug or carton, you have the option of pouring it into a cup or you may drink it straight from the vessel. But if you tore the spout of your milk carton earlier, the lip will be papery and become soggy very quickly. No one likes that. Now the trick is in the angle. To successfully and safely pour your beverage, hold your arm about 30 degrees from full extension. If this position is not maintained, your milk with both pour too fast and spill out of your cup or it will run down the sides of your milk container and not into the cup.

Hopefully you have been able to pour your milk into your cup with minimal spillage. Now carefully replace the cap (if necessary) and return the milk to your refrigerator.

Congratulations! By following these steps you have now successfully poured a glass of contaminant-free milk. That is, unless you milk is currently being inhabited by a population of Escherichia Coli. If so, you’ll probably find our soon enough.