"I'm really offended by that"

Once upon a time there was a perfectly normal straight white American christian man with a family and a job and a nice big house. He lived in a little town with little neighborhoods full of little people just like him. One day, he decided to power up the television to see what was on.

First, he flipped over to the news to see what was happening. First, he saw a story about people protesting against big business, but he didn't like that story very much because he worked very hard and didn't think it was fair to the other big businessmen like himself; he had worked hard to get the money for his house and gone to a nice college which his rich parents had paid for. Next, he saw a story about people protesting for gay rights and abortion, but he didn't like that story very much either because he knew that it was wrong to support those things (that's what he'd heard the bible said at least). Finally, he saw a story about people celebrating the US pulling out of Iraq but he felt that this was very unpatriotic. At this point he was so disgusted with the news that he called the news station to tell them that they were covering news that he didn't agree with. He then changed the channel.

He wanted some comic relief from the disturbing news stories he had just heard, so he decided to watch some stand up comedy. The first comedian went off on a rant about how white people treated black people unfairly. It made the man laugh, but he felt that it wasn't accurate; he'd never met a black man in his little town, but he'd never been mean to one either. The second comedian had a great act, but it was full of curse words that the man didn't think were all that funny; he didn't want his kids learning the f-word. The third comedian just talked about religion and really beat down on Christianity in particular; but the man had just about had it. He was so angry that he called the producers of the show to tell them that their comedians were just plain mean.

When asked why he thought this, the man thought long and hard over the past half hour of his life from the news cast to the stand up show. Finally he responded, "I am offended."

At these three words, and, in fact, because of them, the very heavens opened up with a deafening roar. The ground shook and locusts began to cloud the cities. Every thing suddenly caught fire and the oceans boiled. Many people turned into zombies and countless others lost their vision. All of the worlds food changed into salt. Buildings collapsed, and babies cried. The ice caps melted, and the deserts froze. Michael Jackson came back to life and died again causing absurdly over played grief just like the last time. Instead of the long awaited iPhone 5, the iPhone 4sSS came out instead. The theory of relativity was proved to be wrong, and light began to move at a more leisurely pace. NPR was bought out by MTV and began to broadcast an audio version of Jersey Shore. Rebecca Black came out with her new single "Saturday." Then everybody got HIV, seemingly from nowhere, and died, and it was all because that one man was vaguely offended by stuff he disagreed with on the idiot box.

The moral of the story is that you should never offend anybody even if you think you have the right to express your opinion. Don't even think of complaining about something that isn't fair, or asking for something that you don't have; don't criticize war; don't ever complain about prejudice, don't express your anger through insulting words (especially on television); and do not challenge any ancient practices or beliefs no matter how stupid and hypocritical you think they are. If you wan't to change the world, remember that offending anybody, especially a perfectly normal straight white American christian man with a family and a job and a nice big house, is probably going to destroy the universe because their views are most certainly, and without a doubt, more perfect than yours will ever be.