I Am A Girl

Hi. I am a girl, and I like hanging out with my friends, meeting cute boys, and going to parties. If you aren’t my friend, you’re totally missing out. My social life IS my life; I’m pretty sure I would kill myself if I didn’t have any friends. Or if I was ugly.

But there are some things you seriously need to know if you want to hang out with me:

1. If you try to institute some decent moral reasoning, I will repeatedly roll my eyes, cross my arms, and jut out my hip in a provocative fashion so I become impermeable to your words.

2. And yes, I know when I told you who I liked, that you would undoubtedly tell your best friend who always tells everyone about everything. But I’m still not going to talk to you for two months. Oh, and I’m still going to badmouth you for the next eight. But then we’ll be closer than ever. So you think, anyway.

3. But when I let slip who you liked, it seriously wasn’t my problem. It’s not like you could blame on my anyway, because I’ve been denying it since the moment it happened, and ended up blaming it on the girl that you’ve held a continuous grudge over for two years.

4. When I try to formulate an argument, I like, inject, like, some unnecessary words to like, buffer my premise because, like, I really don’t know what I’m talking about. You know?

5. I will use my PMS as an excuse to make your life miserable. But if you are ever annoyed, brusque, impudent, or any way rude, I’ll tell everyone you’re a b---.

6. If you’re a guy, I will make a scene about you looking at my chest even though I douse myself with glitter and perfume in that general region and wear particular outfits and mechanisms to enhance these features. It’s not as if you know what you’re looking at anyway. It could be 95% padding, or I’m naturally voluptuous but I’m incredibly self-conscious about it. Either way, you are going to offend me.

7. I will always deny my utter beauty and extravagance, but you must insist upon it every single day.

8. I have intense, uncontrollable hormonal fluctuations that may result in:
a. A fit of passion
b. An angry outburst
c. Uncontrollable sobbing
d. Inconsolable sadness
e. Unexpected hyperactivity
f. And/or depression

9. You must always accompany me to the bathroom because I am too scared to go myself, and I could become terribly lonely in that amount of time.

10. But all of these things are probably not worth your while, because you’re not good enough for me anyway.