How to Twitter

Logan Gardner
Process Analysis Essay, Question 5:
How to Twitter
Twitter. It’s all the rage now-a-days. Who hasn’t heard the phrases, “Oh, well Twitter’s becoming the new Facebook,” or, “Hold on let me tweet that,” lately? Everyone who’s anyone has already created their own account, and the everyone who isn’t anyone has started signing up for the popular website. Why, even those terrified of the internet are giving it a shot! With that said, it’s common sense that these, rather obvious, known facts might give the technological “un-savvy” population a bit of an anxiety attack. The feeling that they’re falling interminably behind, that they will never have the ability to catch back up with mass societal trends, can affect really anyone, but no one more than the technologically challenged citizen. However, there is a solution! By completing the five simple, yet overwhelming, steps of creating an account, learning to follow, understanding twitter-speak, and gaining the power to tweet one will journey through a life-altering, mind-blowing process.
Now, before putting oneself through the stressful commitment of creating a twitter account, it is necessary to mentally prepare. Perform a psychological introspection by asking the following questions: Are you ready to have no friends? Do you want people to think that you’re a Neolithic recluse? Do you not care about ANYTHING that occurs in the world? Are you a solipsistic, only interested in yourself, “I don’t care about anyone but me,” kind of person? If the answer to ANY of these questions is “yes,” STOP reading this life-changing essay and instead I personally, and professionally, recommend either therapy or suicide. Moving on, it is time to enter the World of Twitter for the first time. To complete this, turn on a computer by pressing the power button (it has a circle with a vertical line through the top). Once at the desktop (the main screen on the computer screen), double click on an internet browser (Internet Explorer, Google Chrome, Mozilla Firefox, Safari) and wait for it to load. Next, go to the long, slim horizontal box at the top of the screen and type in www.twitter.com , then click “Enter.” This is vital to the process. Now click on the various boxes on the left-hand side of the page and enter in the requested information. Please ensure that the email account selected is actually in use, as if accounts remain inactive for excessive periods of time (about twenty years) they tend to expire. Now it’s time to select a username. This may take multiple tries as many usernames have already been selected, but try to be creative. An idea is to select a random adjective, a random noun, and try it out! Once this has been accomplished, the account is tweet-ready!
Once the procedure of preparing a twitter-ready account has run its course, it is time to learn more about the World of Twitter. In Twitter, there are two types of people: the Followers, and the Following. In short, the Followers are the people that want to follow you. They often want to know every little detail about your life and really aren’t that much farther above the social scale than stalkers. It is for this reason that trying to keep your own Following-Followers ratio at a minimum (the more followers and less following the better) is imperative. The Following are the people that show up on the Timeline, or home screen. In order for these people to become “the Following,” it is necessary to click the “Follow” button below their name. Often times, once following someone, that person will feel inclined to follow back. At this time, you can unfollow them (simply press the unfollow button below their name) making your ratio better and theirs worse! They often won’t even notice a difference! However, beware, if caught in the act daily encounters with that person will become rather awkward. All in all, the main lesson gained from following people is “FOLLOW, FOLLOW, FOLLOW,” then when the following follow back, “UNFOLLOW, UNFOLLOW, UNFOLLOW.”
The next step taken on the journey to Twitter enlightenment is to learn to speak twitter. Yes, that means facing fears regarding hashtags, trending topics, and the dreaded at symbol (@). To facilitate this process with as little confusion as possible simple definitions are given. Trending topics: The most popular topics on Twitter, these are often current events, fashionable celebrities, or random Spanish statements involving Justin Bieber. Hashtags: How trending topics are determined; an example could be #MeGustaJustinBieber. These can also serve as “after thoughts” after a tweet has been composed. Retweet: When someone liked your tweet so much they wanted to tweet it to all of THEIR followers! This is usually signaled by a “RT.” The at symbol (@): These are used to “tag” people in tweets, showing them that they have been mentioned. For instance, an example of a twitter username would be @HCProbs. So now if a tweet that states, “RT: @HCProbs when the people are #annoying,” it can be understood!
The last, and final, step to learning to twitter is understanding the art of tweeting. First off, a tweet is the thing that, once written, is automatically posted to all of your followers’ Timelines (the home screen). To write one, click on the long horizontal box at the top of the screen (the one BELOW the box you typed www.twitter.com in), and then tweet to the heart’s content. Or until 140 characters have been reached (yes, there is a limit on how crazy one’s tweets may be). A few tips to keep in mind: try writing funny tweets, as these will often be retweeted therefore inclining more people to follow you! Don’t tweet about one’s life, relationship, or anything else people don’t care about. They’ll unfollow and then hate you. Finally, don’t tweet too much, as people can, in fact, have too much of a good thing.
Twitter was designed as an entertaining social networking site to bring people together. Don’t allow personal “follower goals” to distract the true purpose of the site. In conclusion, be safe, tweet hard, follow fair.