R.I.P.

It has just been announced that someone famous has died. That's right. That beacon of personality you were mildy amused by on TV for a cumulative 12 hours of your life. The guy who built that must-have device you happen to own. He could even be as important as one of the 95 singers on your iPod.

We won't tell you who just yet, as all who have been told have literally died instantly after hearing about it. In fact, scientists around the globe have teamed up to see if the adverse effects of this celebrity's passing can be reversed. As for now, make peace with your gods and tell you're loved one's you love them, because it isn't looking good. The apocalypse will in fact be brought on by the death of this person. We have, for this reason, filled every news station and People magazine with their story and put 72 hours of tribute videos on all educational channels, so we better understand the cause of this doomsday.

To make matters worse, this person grew up in a rough and impoverished home on his way to stardom. We as a people so enamored with this figure in time are dedicating the next 8 days to be holidays remembering how this one person's rough background is important or even relavant to our lives. Even the people starving in Ethiopia will be bowing their heads to the moderate abuse and $25,000 yearly salary this man had to live by.

On a final note, there are a few rules involving the country's dress code. All citizens of the United States will be required to wear paraphernalia of this person in the form of at least three articles on their body. This is in no way, however, a limit to the number of items you may wear with this person's face or logo present. The requirement will be reduced to 2 if a citizen posts at least 3 Facebook statuses or 4 tweets about this person. Crying frowny-faces are not mandatory but encouraged.

So, as a goodbye, we the media say rest in peace, person I saw on TV one time. The end of the world won't feel the same without you. I won't forget you for the next three weeks, or what all you did even though I didn't really know until after you were dead for about two days.