The Unfortunate Life of an Umbrella

Oh, joy. Another day when it's gloomy and raining outside. Obviously, this means I'm going to be used as some sort of makeshift "weather shield" by some idiot again. I don't WANT to go outside, why are you MAKING me go outside? It's really inconsiderate of you, and you should think about how I feel, except oh wait! You don't CARE! Big surprise there, you prat.

People carry parasols out in the sun all the time. What's the difference? A parasol is basically just an umbrella with flowers on it. I swear, if you had some flower stickers or glitter, you'd LOVE to take an umbrella out in the midday sun and show it off, but NOOOO, umbrellas aren't pretty enough to go outside. Way to be superficial, you immense waste of space.

It's really not fair, you know. I don't like rain any more than she does, why should I have to help her? I wish I could go out on a day when it's less...I don't know. Less stormy. Maybe a day where there's sun, and birds are singing, and it's not cold and dismal. Maybe I want to hear birds singing, instead of having to hear the crackle and roar of thunder and lightning.

Still, I suppose it's sort of nice, being relied on like this. I mean, I'm trusted enough to be used constantly on days that are like this, when the weather is awful and people need some form of protection from it. So being counted on is kind of flattering, I suppose...

Oh, what a load of garbage. What should it matter to me how well you're doing? You don't care, so why should I?

But of course, if you're going to just keep being an insensitive pinhead, I may have to resort to my own measures. Is there a slight breeze? Oh whoops, look at that, I just turned inside out! Gee, that sure stinks for you, if you were hoping for protection against the elements! But don't worry, maybe I'll turn right side out again, just after you've finally gone inside. Oh, did you want to stand next to your friend? That's nice. Deary me, look at that, you've just stabbed them in the leg with your umbrella, you utter buffoon! Wow, I wonder how much the hospital bill for that will cost?

Really, if nobody's going to listen to me, the least I can do is cause a significant amount of annoyance and harm to others. (Sometimes, people not caring about you much is okay.)