how to open a can of soda

Little children, listen up! I am sick and tired of you little frankenfurters who can not seem to grasp this rudimentary and painless procedure. You have broken my fingers. I will not stand for this. Instead i implore you to listen to my direction.
The first step in opening a can of soda is simple. Do not, and I repeat do not, shake the can. It is a tried and tested fact that this can only end in catastrophe. If you do happen to shake the can however, fear not young ones! The situation has a remedy. Set the can down on a hard flat surface and enter your cold war era disaster bunker. You may yet survive (assuming you have appropriate rations available).

The second step is to put the tab. This is not difficult; stop kidding yourself. Use your teeth if you have to, or even a flat head screw-driver. Just pull it. Don't be scared of breaking it; i guarantee you, you are not strong enough.

Congratulations! You have just opened a soda can. You are now a full grown person.